18 & Hopeful Barreling to 30 & Successful

I want to create something today. Something fresh, with some substance. Something with a backbone. I wanna create a narrative that goes the way I want, but the thing is I don’t really know how I want this to go, or what it should even be about. The truth is I haven’t really been practicing as much as I need to be but what’s worse is that I’ve let my goals slip away from me. I said I was going to write everyday, I said I wanted to read everyday, I said I was going to go to the gym. I said ‘X,’ but ‘x’ never got done. And that worries me. It puts my resolve into question. I’ve always considered myself to be a man of conviction, to be a man of my word and to be honorable and yadda yadda yadda all that shit. Yet the older I get, the further I seem to grow from these values. That’s not to say that I’ve abandoned or forgotten these habits, though. Oh God no. If only that were the case. Oh sweet release! Every time I fumble I remember the person I used to be. Instead of fading into the past, my shortcomings taunt, ridicule, spit in my face. Pointing and laughing, filling my head with doubts. HA! Wow what a class act, can’t even follow his own directions correctly, what a loser. As you can imagine, this gets old rather fast. Come to think of it, its been old for a while now and I’m just about done with it. I’m just about ready to stand to my feet, and stretch. I want to grab for the clouds, elongating my body from the tips of my toes to the nubs of my fingers in one triumphant motion. Have you ever seen a time lapse of a sprouting sapling? I want to stretch like that! A stretch that continues to stretch until my body can stretch no further. What I mean to say is I want to grow up. But in order to do so, I need to rid myself of these foolish insecurities regarding my identity and self-worth. They serve no purpose, and must be eradicated, or at least come to terms with, before I can move to the next step in my life. This I believe to be the purpose of college. To introduce us saplings to the real world, while still allowing us to harbor our insecurities and doubts. Slowly but surely we will move from adolescence to adulthood, granted some faster than others, but relatively gradually. I suppose its kind of like hopscotch, but your blindfolded and for some reason trapped in slow motion. We all know the general directions life will take us, and we all sort of pick up on the pattern our lives will inevitably follow, but we can’t experience it in real time or see the end destination. Each step, each skip, each hop, will be made with at least a modicum of doubt at first, but as we get older, the game will become more routine, more familiar, and will allow us as disoriented hopscotchers to possess more confidence. Now this might be perhaps the most outlandish and far fetched comparison I’ve made yet, but I believe its got a ring of truth to it. This thing I want to create and have control over is my own life, I want to write my narrative (with God’s ink of course) and have it be a wonderful one. One full of love and happiness, and children and friends and family. One where the breeze blows and the grass dances in the field of the picnic with the checkered tablecloths and wicker baskets. One where the only things felt are warmth, peace, security, and joy. I don’t want to be angry anymore, I don’t want to be disconnected anymore, I don’t want to feel excluded and left out or disregarded anymore. It is ultimately myself who holds my life in my hands, and God wants me to be proactive in making the most of my gifts. It is a waste and a shame to sit on the ole haunch doing nothing but thinking and dreaming of realities yet to come true. In this narrative, my goal is to make them come true; it is to take my dreams and chase them to fruition. Inaction is a plague, and I refuse to catch it.

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